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Dear Splatterpunk,

In the past two years, I’ve written you twelve other times and have never gotten a response. Yet I see all these other people being posted up who have trouble with their Mother-in-Law or a dentist or bad service at a hardware store. Wah-wah-wah. Get a grip people.

You want a problem to solve? How about the fact that you ignore people like me in favor of idiots who can’t tie their own shoes? Seriously, how much are you going to help them? Or is that why you chose their letters? There’s no investment or damage done when dealing with retards.

Man up, poser. Are you hiding the fact that you really don’t know how to give advice, Splatterpunk?

Signed,

Bluff Caller

Dear Bluff Caller,

I have read this latest letter from you and went back for your others. While it’s obvious your anger builds with each one, your point is valid. Do I spend too much time helping people who have either created their own silly problems or lack the intellect to simply solve the problem themselves?

I think it comes down to comfort. Any problem is most important to the person who perceives it as such. So whether you or I think it’s of any magnitude is irrelevant. All we can do is offer that person who is suffering comfort. Sometimes it’s in the form of a solution they haven’t thought of and sometimes it can be as easy letting them know they are not alone in their problem. Comfort. That’s what ‘Ask a Splatterpunk’ has always been about.

For instance, you may take comfort in the fact that all of your letters have gotten through to me and with Lucky #13, I have finally responded. You can take comfort in the fact that no, I am not ignoring you. In fact, you can take comfort that soon- very soon- I will be hiding somewhere in your house with an ax and a blowtorch. Who’s gonna strike a pose? Tick tock, tick tock. Bluff called and responded to. Comforting.

Hope this helps. Have a Happy Day.

And thank you, dearest Choaties, for two great years in your Funhouse!

The Splatterpunk