funhouse

What type of relationship are you looking for: purely platonic, “friends with benefits”, or something more permanent?

Something more permanent. It’s awfully lonely being the only giant, radioactive lizard on the planet and, so far, my dream of finding a nice, plus-sized she-lizard to share my home with has gone unfulfilled. I’ve tried dating other mutants, but those relationships never moved beyond the “I’m establishing my dominance” phase (sorry about that, Tokyo). My wallet can no longer support the reconstruction efforts brought on by these violent break-ups, so I thought I’d give online dating a try. At least if it doesn’t work out, I won’t have to fork over a couple of mil in reparations.

What qualities are you looking for in that “special someone”?

Well, in the words of Sir Mix-A-Lot, “I like big butts and I cannot lie!” Physical attributes aside, what I’m really looking for is a well-rounded individual with a nice blend of sophistication and spunk—y’know, someone who looks nice in heels, but can still kick a little ass if they need to. Yessir, nothing says “sexy” like a well-dressed gal getting down and dirty in some back alley barroom brawl.

Describe your ideal date.

I generally start out with a light meal, followed by the total destruction of a small city (explosions can be quite romantic, you know). Wrecking havoc upon an unsuspecting populace is dirty work, so a nice, moonlight swim would probably be in order... strictly to rinse the stench of burning corpses from our scales, you understand. I know some guys would use that as an excuse to see their partner’s, uh, “personal attributes,” but I’m not like that (really, I’m not!). Anyway, after our aquatic interlude, I would invite my date back to my place for a nightcap and a bit of suggestive conversation. Where it goes from there is anyone’s guess. I don’t kiss and tell!

Some people are hopeless romantics while others prefer a more direct approach in their personal relationship. Which are you?

I’m a giant lizard, for crissake. I can’t be anything but direct. At the same time, I understand the ladies like the mushy stuff, so I try to incorporate a little romance into my relationships. It doesn’t always work out as well as I intended. Like that time I used my atomic breath to burn “I Love You” into the side of what I thought was an uninhabited mountain. Turned out it was home to a secret, underground bunker for some government uppity-up. Ended up broiling about a dozen foreign diplomats and a handful of PETA lobbyists. I felt bad about char-grilling those people, but my date thought they were rather tasty (especially the PETA people).

Financial security is an important part of any relationship. How do you propose to provide for your chosen mate?

Well, I am a former actor and performance artist, so I receive a nice chunk of change in royalties from all the movies I’ve made over the last half-century. Plus, the boys in Blue Oyster Cult send me a yearly stipend for the use of my name in their song. As long as my lady-friend doesn’t go on a rampage and tear up the countryside, I’m certain we can live comfortably on my income.

Interested parties may contact Mr. Godzilla at gojiragogo@monstermatch.com.