funhouse

What sort of relationship are you interested in?

Well, to be honest, I'm not sure I should initiate any sort of personal relationship at all! My track record with the fairer sex has been, shall we say, less than stellar. Few women understand my obsession with my work; much less find it socially acceptable to spend so much time in the presence of cadavers. That said, I do occasionally crave companionship of the living persuasion, and would like to meet someone who is willing to accept the morbid aspects of my career without judgment. To be perfectly clear: I am not looking for marriage or even a 'friends with benefits'¯ type scenario. My ideal relationship would be one of platonic professionalism with an occasional bout of heavy petting thrown in just to keep up appearances.



What qualities are you looking for in that 'special someone'¯?

Ladies who wish to grab my attention should possess a minimum IQ of 150, impeccable note-taking skills, and a passion for medical documentaries. I'm not too picky when it comes to general attributes like looks, personality or conversation skills. What matters to me most is intelligence, honesty and a willingness to sign a waiver granting full rights to use your corpse for scientific study. The ability to pick locks and lift at least sixty pounds of deadweight is a plus, but if you really want to make my heart flutter, show me your organ donor card.

Addendum: Those with unrestricted access to morgues or cemeteries will get bumped to the top of the callback list.



"All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy."¯ What do you like to do for fun?

I'm not much for recreational activities, to tell the truth. I'm a workaholic at heart and find it difficult to tear myself away from the lab. That's not to say I don't 'let my hair down'¯ every once in a while. I know I don't seem the type, but I'm actually something of a prankster. Just last week the sanitarium administrators took a group of us to see that BodyWorlds exhibit in Salem. It was informative and all, but I couldn't help thinking how much more educational it would be (especially for the school children) if those well-preserved corpses and dissected parts were actually, you know, moving. So I reanimated them. The curators didn't find it quite as amusing as I did . . . which reminds me: date night at the Peabody Essex Museum is out - I've been banned from returning to that particular venue for life.



Your significant other calls to inform you she must cancel a planned date due to a death in the family. How do you respond to the news?

Well, naturally it's disappointing to be left high and dry over something as pedestrian as a lump of dead tissue, but I am not so self-centered as to throw a hissy fit about it. In fact, I would see this, er, 'devastating event'¯ as a way to get closer to my partner. Nothing says "I'm here for you in your time of need"¯ like a hypodermic full of Re-agent. Why, my expertise in bringing the dead back to life could very well turn this family tragedy into a cause for celebration! Or not. It really depends on the time of death and condition of the deceased.

Some people are hopeless romantics, while others prefer a more direct approach in their personal relationship. Which are you?

That's a pretty subjective question, if you ask me. One man's concept of romance may be pure torture to another. In order to formulate an accurate response, we must first define the word. If by romantic you mean showing up on your doorstep with flowers and candy or walking hand-in-hand along the beach at sunset, then you're going to be disappointed. I find such tawdry displays of affection about as enjoyable as the prospect of being vivisected by first year med students. However, if you're turned on by the idea of cadavers, reverse bioengineering and the potential for physical immortality (sans complex mental functions, of course), well, then I'm your knight in shining armor!

Interested parties may contact Mr. West at re_agent1922@monstermatch.com.